This morning, I was bombarded with e-mails and notifications that threw me pretty quickly into a feeling of melancholy. Why? Well, firstly because I'm pregnant and my hormones ensure that I am quite on the edge at all times. But also because these e-mails and notifications were intimately intertwined with questions that I have been asking God to reveal the answers to for quite some months. These e-mails and notifications weren't answers. They were just more mud in what has been an already muddy situation. The sort of situation where choices you have to make are not cut-and-dry. The correct choice is not obvious; it's hidden.
So I sat on my couch for a few minutes and stewed. I then decided that I needed to take some time and do my favorite thing: worship.
So, I put my phone on "Do Not Disturb" mode, turned on my iPhone speaker and pumped out some of my favorites. My voice was not warmed up, it was just my just-woke-up-groggy voice. But I belted it. There was something inside that I just needed to get out. I'm sure you know the feeling.
In this moment, I got to hear the bridge to one of my favorites in a new way:
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
What Am I Doing?
If you're like me, you have not always known what it is that you are called to do with your life. If you're exactly like me, you seem to be surrounded by people who do, and it infuriates you and makes you feel inferior. If you are me, you're still not sure exactly what you're called to do, and sometimes that makes you nervous.
There are some people, like my sister, who know exactly what they want to do with their lives, and it is such an amazing thing to watch them pursue their calling. But what of the rest of us who don't know? Who have asked and have not received an answer? Or have received partial answers, but the rest remains unclear?
My life, as a direct result of this, has been a constant one-step-at-a-time process. There is really no such thing as a 5-year plan for me, because God is always redirecting me. What do I plan to do next? Follow God's calling. That's all I've got. It is, quite literally, all the good Lord has given me to work with.
And what I need to remember is that that is plenty.
I Am Not Without, So I Should Stop Acting Like It
As long as I have been listening to God's callings, He has never, ever failed me. He has never left me without something I needed. He has never not given me the answers to my heart's questions in the exact moment I needed them. He has been faithful and consistent. He has given me no reason to believe that the questions I'm asking in this season won't be answered.
So, when Darlene Czech sings, Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, I'm no longer going to hear it simply as trust that knows no end, but also trust that doesn't come with stipulations. Trust that never falters or questions. Trust that simply trusts.
I will sing with Darlene, let me walk upon the waters, wherever you would call me! Water isn't solid ground. It's not consistent, it's not stable or sturdy. Real confidence (and trust) was required of Peter to be able to step out onto the rocky sea and walk on water towards Jesus. And we all know what happened the moment he doubted--he began to drown! No drowning for me. I want to walk confidently onto something that provides no proof of stability or sturdiness, all the while knowing that as long as I maintain confidence, Jesus will not let me drown.
The next line, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, means a lot to me right now. I am faced with some difficult decisions to make. And no options are presenting themselves as obviously wrong choices. I could be successful in any situation. But which one is the one for me? I want my trust to believe that God is going to take me so much further than anything I could possibly choose for myself. I have told myself this so many times over the years, and heard it proclaimed from the pulpits, but I'm suddenly hearing it with fresh ears. God's plans are so much greater than mine. So great, that my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.
His plans to lead me confidently into completely unsteady places will end up taking me so deep into His plan for me that it will build my faith even more!
What All This Means
When I think about the decisions I have coming up in this way, I'm not scared anymore. I'm not worried. I am excited. I am thrilled to go deeper. I am thrilled to be closer to God. I am beyond pumped for how much it will build my faith to be taken to those scary places!
And beyond that, instead of feeling inferior for not being one of the ones to whom God reveals his calling all at once, I feel honored to have been trusted with the requirement of walking in faith on a constant basis. I feel honored knowing that God has confidence that I can walk in complete trust, stepping out into nothing, but knowing that I will find Him there!
So, what did I end up actually praying once I had come to all these revelations?
God, you know the questions on my heart, even better than I know them. So I'm not asking for the answers to those questions. I'm asking that, in the time between now and the time that You plan on answering those, that You would get my faith ready for the answer You deliver. Prepare my heart to hear the answer You have. Make me ready.
I would encourage you to do the same. We all have decisions to make. We all want to know what it is that God wants us to pursue. But sometimes it's not time for us to know. And we need to change the way we're thinking about not knowing the answers. Because the more scared we are before even knowing the answers to our heart's questions, the less prepared we'll be for the answers that come.
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