On Finding a Man (This Post Is Not Just For Women!)

It's the talk of the town: how does a single Christian woman find her husband?

Well, I am going to tell you how I found mine in hopes that, like me, you learn a lot from the experiences of others.

Here's the thing: I was single once. I get it. I understand you. You think that I cannot possibly relate to what you're going through. But you're wrong. Because I have been there.

A lot of you know my story; you know that I spent my singleness in preparation for my husband-to-be. But I want to share with you exactly what I mean by that. What I mean by that is not that I spent a lot of time learning the yummiest recipes, buying the cutest outfits, and memorizing Proverbs 31.

What I mean by that is, in all the times I had been single, I had always spent that time searching for my husband. But, in the bout of singleness I experienced before meeting Scooter, I tried something different. I tried not searching for him. I tried praying for him. I tried waiting instead of hunting.

This is difficult for those of us who color ourselves "impatient." There is something you need to ask yourself if you've ever described yourself in this way, especially in regards to your romantic life: What does your impatience over your future marriage say about your relationship with God? If, as a child, I ask my mother repeatedly, "when will dinner be ready? Is it ready yet? What are we eating? When are we eating?" what does that communicate? Is that the communication of someone who trusts that food will, in fact, be presented to them in the proper time? Or is that the communication of someone who fears that if they do not incessantly remind the preparer of the food of their hunger, that the preparer will forget about it?

I know what the single culture is like: It's competitive, cutthroat, ruthless, and a downright game. But I did not want to play the game. It makes you hungry. And that hunger can make you a monster. If you've ever skipped lunch or missed your morning coffee, you know exactly what I am talking about. That kind of hunger can control you and turn you into someone you don't even recognize.

Even in the church world, we can bat our eyes with the best of them. We find biblical loopholes that allow us to act like, for lack of a better term, complete idiots around the opposite sex. Shameless flirting within the church walls is still shameless flirting. I hated this about the single culture because it is so divisive. I valued my same gender friendships and guarded them carefully, but the incessant flirting and competition can make the environment toxic and hostile very quickly. Church, we need to intentionally watch out for this. Don't be that girl who messes with the boundary lines constantly. Please recognize your actions for what they are: acts of insecurity.

Flaunting your stuff is not a show of confidence; you are showing off how very little you think of yourself. And not just of yourself, but of your future husband.

Back to my story: I prayed for my husband. But I prayed for myself, too. A LOT. I asked myself, "What is God trying to do with me in this season?" I realized that I needed to take advantage of the time that I had a single person to figure out my own relationship with God, because maybe he was holding me back from that next season of my life for a reason. So, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I purposefully counted myself out of the single game, and owned up to being holy and separate and unlike the culture around me. And then, a question arose:

Emily, think about the person that you are searching for. Now, think about the kind of person that that person is searching for.

Are you the person that the person that you're looking for is looking for?

I needed to think about this some more. And, here's where I landed:

I studied some ancient beliefs about spouses. My favorite was the Hebrew belief that marriages were made in Heaven. Two souls are separated on earth and destined to find each other: soul mates. How incredibly romantic! That idea reminded me of a song from one of my favorite childhood movies:

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true, that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once
Upon a dream

Sleeping Beauty

And, the most romantic idea occurred to me: I already knew my future husband. I started to recognize and identify my soul as something that was not of this world, something that had connections with the eternal and the Heavenly. My soul was destined to unite with another soul, who was also trapped in human form somewhere in the world. Even though I wouldn't recognize his earthly form, when we collided on earth, each pursuing our own individual godly purposes, our souls would recognize each other.

Stay with me! I promise it is not my intent to over-spiritualize this. But, the thing is, that's what we are. We are skin and bone, but what matters are our souls and our spirits. Right?

God gave us these magnificent souls, wrapped them in human form, and set our lives in motion. The Creator of all things, who fashioned and formed me very specifically and particularly, who knows absolutely everything about me, had already promised me a husband and soul mate. I realized that before when I was husband hunting, I was not trusting that God was going to provide something that he had already promised me. My husband was already mine. I did not need to win him or claim him; he was already promised to me, and I to him. I was truly my husband's betrothed. And I acted like it--like a woman who was spoken for.

Since the moment that Scooter asked me on our very first date, I have known that I am the only one in his life. I have known that I am the apple of his eye and the object of his affections. My confidence in these things never faltered. Do you think for one second that a relationship that spurs from the winning of a competition of short skirts and flirty laughs can boast the same confidence? Doubtful.

But, the key to this paradigm was that in order to obtain this sort of relationship, I had to be recognizable to my future husband. Because he would not recognize me as his based on my outward appearance, but by my heart, I had some close examination to do. I believed that our souls were destined for each other by God. So, it seemed logical to me that this meant that I should be as close to God's heart as possible. What I realized very quickly was that I was nowhere near as close to God's heart as I could be.

What I am trying to say is that finding your future husband is not about growing into the best Single Woman. It's about growing into the best Christian that you can be. It's about getting as close to God's heart as you can. Finding my future husband was not going to be like a blind date; my descriptors were not going to be, "I'll be the one in the little black dress with a Bible in my hand." I already knew who the man that I was looking for would be looking for: "I'll be the one making disciples, serving my church, seeking out God's will for my life, studying His word, singing His songs, etc."

That's the kind of woman that man you're looking for is looking for. Not the one who laughs the most flirtatiously. Not the one who flips her hair just right. Not the one incessantly asking God to fill her hunger for a husband. But the one who incessantly asks God to fill her hunger for Himself, and His word, and His purpose.

So, that is exactly what I did. I pursued and pursued and pursued God. And He did not let me down. He romanced me in ways that I never knew I could be. He set a mighty high bar for Scooter. I was so incredibly romanced by my Creator, that I had actually stopped looking around for my husband. In this way, God showed me exactly how to recognize my soul mate. And, you know what? I did. This was not a love-at-first-sight kind of thing. But, it was pretty fast. When I got to know Scooter's heart, I knew. I recognized him. I cannot in earthly words describe to you what sort of feelings came over me when I recognized him.

Every girl deserves this feeling. But first, you've got some work to do. You are first and foremost a Christian, so act like it. Do not let your hunger for a husband make you unrecognizable to your own soul mate. Let the God who created you romance you to the ends of the earth. Let God show you how to recognize your future husband. Trust God to fill your appetite with something so much better than you could have dreamed of. There is no shame or disappointment in this.