More on Boundaries

You are not irresponsible because you are single.

I think that, usually, the boundaries we most often talk about, concerning our male-female relationships, before we're married, all have to do with sex.

Don't have premarital, promiscuous sex. Don't do it. Don't do it!!


Okay. Noted.


There is, as I have observed, more to it than just sex. What about everything else? What about everything that comes before sex? Before physical affection of any kind? What about guarding your heart?


"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." --Proverbs 4:23 (MSG)


You are responsible to your future spouse, even before you meet them--to keep yourself pure, sexually and emotionally.


I think that sometimes we don't understand when, maybe, we've crossed an emotional boundary. I know this is especially difficult for guys, so I'm not yelling at anyone. I'm sure I've done it myself without realizing it. But we need to realize it; we need to be more conscious and aware of our improprieties when it comes to our co-ed friendships. We need to protect our brothers and sisters.


Maybe I'm a prude.


Correction: I am a prude. But when did that become a bad word? I own it. I don't care. Better a prude than... well, you know.


I'm not sure how to rightly explain this. We can't be on the phone with our friends of the opposite sex until all hours of the night for extended periods of time. Proverbs 20:19 says "do not associate with a simple babbler." Nothing good can come from idle talk. You end up revealing too much of yourself, confiding too much, and in this way, letting the guard over your heart down.


We can't be alone with members of the opposite sex for extended periods of time. Whether you "trust them" or not, it's simply inappropriate.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 says "abstain from every appearance of evil"--Sometimes it doesn't matter if you don't deem the situation you're in tempting in any sort of way: it's a stumbling block for others, and you don't want to give anyone a reason to question your credibility or dignity.

Even when you're single, you should still act as if you're not. I feel like this makes the transition from singleness to a relationship easier, and gives that person you're dating no reason to question or doubt you, and you can walk in total confidence, knowing that you saved yourself--in every way--for that person. Also, nothing is weird with friends of the opposite sex when you start dating; you avoid the "well, we can't 'talk' now because you have a girlfriend" conversation. That's weird anyway.

If you have these kinds of inappropriate male-female friendships, you will never be able to maintain a meaningful relationship. Somehow, you're not totally emotionally committed to the relationship when you have these kinds of friendships. Those friendships are always going to beg for precedence over your relationship, and this is not a good situation in which to be. If you choose your relationship, your friends feel neglected. If you choose your friendship, your relationship will not last. If you find yourself in this situation, you've put yourself there. Better to foster appropriate friendships now, before someone really ends up hurting because of your disregard for your future relationship.

Put these boundaries into place, and give respect. Respect for yourself, respect for your friends, respect for the future spouses of your friends.

We're better people than that, my friends. Better! Take this time of singleness to learn responsibility, make it a sacred time for you and God (and your friends). Prepare yourself.

EDIT

You cannot convince me that God doesn't care when you're wrestling with a thought. This weekend, I went to a conference in North Carolina called Campus Harvest, and Jim Laffoon, one of my favorite speakers of EveryNation Ministries, spoke on Relationships & Intimacy. One of the topics covered was opposite-gender friendships. Here's what he had to say:

"When it comes to the opposite gender, even casual and professional relationships must be handled with care. Although the answer of some religions to opposite-gender relationships has been the absolute segregation of the sexes, I don't believe this is either biblical or even culturally possible. I say 'biblical' because nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to avoid contact with the opposite sex...

"...If segregation is not the biblical answer then, and it's obviously not, what principles should guide our relationships with the opposite gender?

"The critical question is 'Are platonic relationships [a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is free of sensual desire] possible?'

"I would say yes and no. In the case of casual and/or professional relationships, when they are wisely boundaried, it is both possible and probable. When is comes to seasonal or covenantal (deep, intimate friendships that last a lifetime), however, I believe it is typically impossible and almost never productive in the long term.

"I say 'typically impossible' because deep friendships, by their very nature, are all about transparency, vulnerability and intimate sharing. When these things are present, the biological realities alone will create sensual, if not sexual attraction in either one or both of the people involved...

"Furthermore, even if there is absolutely no sensuality involved in a friendship between a single man and woman, I do not believe it is productive in the long run. This is the case for a number of reasons, one of them being long-term viability. That is to say, once either party marries, the friendship will typically come to an abrupt and painful end."

I want to interject here: I believe the friendship probably ends as soon as either party starts dating. It must in order for the romantic relationship to be successful and meaningful. That party's responsibility is to their boyfriend/girlfriend. If opposite-gender friendships are not properly boundaried, the members of those friendships will never--I repeat, never--experience a successful romantic relationship. The boyfriend/girlfriend will not accept that type of friendship in their significant other's life. That "friend" is filling the emotional and possible sensual needs that are supposed to be filled be the person's boyfriend/girlfriend.

Laffoon continues, "If what I am saying is true, what boundaries are necessary in order to maintain relationships with the opposite sex that are authentic, whole and mature?

     1) The relationship itself must be built on or around a higher purpose than simply being together. For example, are you simply working on a project with a member of the opposite sex in order to be together, or has the project truly brought you together? Although this difference may seem subtle, these nuances are at the very essence of maintaining healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

     2) Although work or ministry may demand that you spend periods of time alone with a member of the opposite sex, groups are simply the safest place to develop and maintain casual and professional relationships with members of the opposite sex.

     3) The Scripture which commands us to treat younger men and women as our brothers and sisters has been abused and misused for years.

'Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity' --1 Timothy 5:1-2

     We seem to forget the phrase 'with absolute purity.' To touch a member of the opposite gender in any way that would create impurity in your mind or theirs is simply unwise and unhealthy. Furthermore, if anything in your words or behavior create an expectation of romantic interest or commitment, you're committing relational fraud. Never forget that promiscuity is not just physical; it can be emotional and/or verbal.

    4) Every human relationship has God-given boundaries in the area of communication... certain boundaries must be honored in opposite-gender relationships. This is more than biological reality. It is simply defrauding to share your deepest pains, most-treasured lessons and clearest dreams with another human who will never have the privilege of walking them out with you.

"Unfortunately, even within the Church, these boundaries are routinely violated. I have repeatedly observed patterns within opposite-gender relationships that are best described as a Christianized version of friends-with-benefits. Although they may not be crossing sexual lines, they are clearly meeting each other's emotional and sensual needs. Whether it's careless romantic conversations, the occasional casual massage, or the dinner that's never a date, the implications of this fraudulent behavior will affect every area of your life."

On Boundaries

God has a way of making everything in my life tie together; I am simply astounded.

Preface: In my LifeGroup, we are reading a book all about boundaries, learning when to say "yes" and how to say "no." I'll admit, at first, I wasn't sure I was going to get much out of it, but it has opened my eyes to so many things about myself and the people around me!

OK, without giving too much intimate details, it has come to my attention that, in my life, I have let people take advantage of me and take me for granted. It has left me empty, exhausted, and feeling unappreciated. I didn't realize that the root of this problem is that I had no boundaries! Before I realized that that was the issue, I essentially cut the people out of my life who were taking me for granted (this was necessary--these people were also bad influences on me and my walk with God). I also quit my job in the restaurant industry--talk about being a doormat and an emotional punching bag for a job! This made a difference, but the final change came when I realized I was the one who had no boundaries. I say "yes" to everything! I feel like a bad friend/girlfriend/daughter/sister if I don't help out when I am able.

Then we talked about Galatians 6:2 in my LifeGroup. Galatians 6:2 is the one that says "Carry each others' burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." But there is a difference between burdens and responsibilities. Your responsibilities are your own, and no one else's. We should share burdens that are too much to bare for one person, but it is not your job to bare another's responsibilities. This includes work responsibilities, financial responsibilities, personal health responsibilities... you get the picture. Sometimes the lines get fuzzy and gray, and sometimes when responsibilities first arise, they can be daunting, and aid may be necessary. But when you constantly rely on those around you to bare with you your responsibilities, you are taking advantage of those trying to help you. This is very important. Those around you will grow weary of it. And you are not a very good friend for, essentially, manipulating them into baring responsibilities that are yours and yours alone. We can all agree with you in prayer, but it is not everyone else's job to take care of your responsibilities. They have responsibilities of their own and lives of their own in which they need to be present, and they can't do that when they spend all their time taking care of your responsibilities.

Those on the other side of this scenario, like myself, need a swift kick in the tush also. You have to know when someone else's responsibilities are not yours. This is hard--it's hard to watch those you love struggle with something, and it's perfectly okay to offer advice and prayers and guidance and support, but you have your own responsibilities. Your responsibilities do not end with personal and work responsibilities; you have responsibilities to those around you: your friends, family, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, children... When you neglect those people to handle someone else's responsibilities, it hurts. I have been in the neglected position myself. It's as if you're not anywhere on the priority list; responsibilities that do not belong to the person neglecting you are taking precedence over you, and it is not a good feeling. Bare that in mind next time a friend asks for a "favor" when you made plans with your boyfriend/sister/mother/brother/girlfriend/spouse/whoever. It does not honor God when you neglect your responsibilities to handle someone else's. And those people you're "helping" are not very good friends for making their responsibilities yours.

It's about boundaries. Knowing when to say "yes" and how to say "no" ... and why.

More later on my latest epiphanies.