Dublin—Day 2

I woke up after about 15 hours of sleep. The day began with breakfast at a local bakery whose name I can’t remember. I ordered “Scrambled Eggs on Toast and a Fruit Tartlet.” The fruit tartlet was outrageously decadent, and the scrambled eggs on toast was literally about four eggs and two whole pieces of toast. If you think about it, it’s a lot of food! 

But that’s not the best part. In the cake window we see a beautiful cake with the words “Happy Birthday Kyle” written on it. I thought “what a coincidence!” (it was Kyle’s birthday the day before). This became more suspicious as the moments passed, and in case you missed it, Mrs. Deason had written on my Facebook to notify me that she had ordered a cake from a bakery near our hostel. Turns out, this was that very cake. After some grocery shopping, we arrived back at the hostel just in time to receive the cake and a rendition of “Happy Birthday” from one of the men at the desk. Lovely!

Then it was off to Dublin Christian Mission, where we met Leasel, who told us a little about what we would encounter during our visit. There’s no need to divulge the heart-wrenching details about the lives of the children here, just know that it’s a dark place. 

After two prayer meetings and some tea and cookies, we went to The Lighthouse, a homeless ministry in town. Kyle and Nathan led worship for the crowd of mostly men, and then Kelly and I washed dishes while the rest of the team performed their respective duties for the evening. This was a shining moment of the trip so far; I love the way God brings people together and how divine conversations happen without any effort of our own. Kelly and I turned out to have very much in common, and, I won’t speak for Kelly, but I felt much better upon leaving The Lighthouse about where I stood on this trip. I felt so happy that I could encourage Kelly, and that she, perhaps knowingly, perhaps not, could to the same for me. 

Somewhere in the middle of the feeding and fellowship, one of the women, clearly under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, decided to pull out the fire extinguisher and get about half the room soaking wet. Luckily, Kelly and I were out of range, but I can’t say the same for Nathan, who was guarding the door. Honestly, my heart broke for these people. They’re in such desperate situations, and I couldn’t help my heart feeling overwhelmingly heavier being around them. There was another drunk man who had to be removed from The Lighthouse, and as they were ushering him out, he yelled “You pray your prayers, but you don’t see!”  Again, humbled and heartbroken, this man has been on my mind and continues to wreck my heart with his words. But I never discredit the words of the lost. Perception is sometimes reality—if that’s how he perceived Christians, then what do we need to do to change that misconception?

On a lighter note, I also want to point out that we left The Lighthouse around 9 o’clock PM, and it was still quite bright outside. It gets dark so late here! It’s blowing my mind. 

After frozen pizzas and a debriefing in the hostel room, Nathan, Kyle and I decided to have a little adventure, and went walking around the streets of Dublin. First, some ladies tried to poor beer on us from their apartment windows—so sweet of them—then, after some wandering, we stumbled upon a small Pub, where we heard traditional Irish Country Music. This was so fantastic; I don’t think words can accurately describe it. We were the youngest people there, and the moment this quaint old man began singing one of his songs, absolutely everyone in the pub knew the song word-for-word! It was amazing! Such unity and a healthy dose of patriotism! I wish we had something like that in America. This place is so rich with culture and tradition and history, it’s beautiful to watch. Little old men danced with taller old women, everyone with a Guinness in hand, and singing so merrily and cheerfully—I almost felt Irish myself! 

Finally, God has really been moving on my heart about a lot of things that have plagued me for months. He’s really been asking me to trust Him more and more; to trust that He hasn’t forgotten about me, to trust that He’s got me in His arms, to trust how much He loves me and hates to see me cry, and that His plan will not disappoint me—He has big, big plans for me, and even though I don’t know what they are, I am going to make a more conscious effort not to worry about so many things—about plans, about what people think, about how I’m perceived, about the chaos in my life—God is a God of order and peace, not of chaos and confusion.

Dublin—Day 1

If you can call it a day, that is. We have been traveling since about 5 o’clock yesterday morning. First we flew from Orlando International Airport to JFK, where we experienced a lovely ten-hour layover. Then we flew through the night into Dublin International Airport. Leasel , a woman who works with Dublin Christian Mission, picked us up and whisked us to the Four Courts Hostel. After showering and recouping, we had lunch at The Brazen Head, then Kelly and I headed back to the hostel to nap while the others did some sight-seeing. After telling Kelly and me what an awful idea it was to take a nap for fear of our sleeping patterns not adjusting to the time change, the rest of the crew soon returned and were very quickly sound asleep themselves. I think it was necessary. We haven’t slept much the past two nights, and I know I would not have made it until this evening without sleeping. Even after a nap I’m still thoroughly exhausted, and can’t wait to sleep again after dinner.

Dublin is not what I imagined it would be. I’m not sure how to describe it. According to Leasel, about 40% of the population here is under the age of 24. There are pubs absolutely everywhere. All the buildings are old and quaint, but somehow modern and cool. More on that later.

Firstly, I believe God has given me a traveler’s spirit. I was at first discouraged when I wasn’t super emotional about leaving Jacksonville for ten days. Sad, maybe, but not upset and crying. But just because I don’t express being sad about leaving Jacksonville doesn’t mean I don’t love the people there. God’s really put a desire in my heart to see this beautiful thing He’s created that we like to call “the world,” and I am going to see it! This means saying goodbye to my family and friends over and over again. I will see them again! But I was more eager than upset about leaving Jacksonville. 

That said, my emotions have been toyed with since then. My closest friends and companions know all too well the hell I’ve endured since the beginning of 2011. What started out as a bright year with much to look forward to quickly turned to despair, heartache, agony, and hopelessness. To debrief, I started the year in a relationship with someone I truly cared for, and before that relationship had even had the chance to blossom and grow, it was quickly and painfully ended. This toyed with my emotions far beyond the boundaries of that singular relationship. I was thrown in a whirlwind of complex emotions I had yet to explore on my own, and it made me ask God some hard questions: Why am I not good enough? What do I have to do to live out these dreams that seem to come so easily to everyone else? What am I being punished for? Why can’t I just find someone who’s actually going to love me fully and wholeheartedly the way that I know I can love them? I have felt a strong sense that my companion, the one God put on this earth for me, is simply wandering the universe somewhere, unable to find me. It breaks my heart, and fills me with longing for that kind of companionship. It becomes especially difficult when all of my friends seem to have no trouble finding their respective companions, and I have sat on the sidelines time and time again, and praised their relationships over and over, I’m just not sure how much endurance I have left. 

Then, it hit me, I had signed up for a missions trip with this person and his campus church group. I have always been drawn to Ireland, and had never had the opportunity to pursue it, so this seemed like a grand opportunity. But now it seemed a good chance to have me heart beaten up all over again. Regardless, money had already been paid, so I had to suck it up and continue on as planned, with my heart on guarded with lock and key. 

I was also unemployed at the beginning of the year. This was at first by choice—I was not ready to go back to the restaurant industry, and I thought I could survive on a supplement from my grandparents, but I was wrong. Financially, I was mostly miserable. Then when I started looking for a job, it seemed impossible to find one. This was finally resolved, and I now work at the Metro Diner, and I hope to grow and succeed there, but I am treading cautiously, nervously, and uncertainly. 

This was also my most difficult semester of college yet. I barely made it through this season of confusion, lack of understanding, and frustration. I am disappointed that it did not go as well as it could have, but at least—at the very least—I passed.

Then, I emailed one of my Summer A professors to let her know I would be missing the first week of class to go on a missions trip to Ireland. Long story short, my grade will be docked to a “C” with no hope of getting any higher. I am under an intense amount of stress to do well in this class—I am trying to graduate in August, and I need to pass this class to do so. Even now, I don’t want to think about the pressure of the situation for fear of working myself up about it all over again.

All of this was speckled with expensive car troubles, a fight that resulted in the loss of one of my longest friends, sleep deprivation, illness, the tension of trying to make new friends, and the list goes on and on. 

Now, here I am, in Ireland, and what do I have to say for myself? I’ve already had to confront old feelings of sadness and worthlessness, and new feelings of rejection and “otherness.” I do miss my friends and family. I wish they were with me. I would love nothing more than to share this experience with them. It’s also strange to be here, in this place, with nothing as I hoped it would be when I originally planned on coming. I have been praying ceaselessly, anxiously waiting on God’s orders. I need Him to show me the purpose of the muck that’s been made of my life this year. Where is the light? Hope? Joy? When can I feel like myself again? When will my broken heart be restored? What is the point of all this?

 

Tomorrow we being work with Dublin Christian Mission. I am making an attempt to have tunnel vision with this—to see nothing else but His vision and His mission. No one else, and nothing else matters.

On Misplaced Blame in Literature

I am not sure if I am finished with this. Chances are that I will come back to it later. But, in the meantime, I would like to know what you think. Enjoy!

Misplaced Blame in Achebe’s Things Fall Apart

Religion is misrepresented in Things Fall Apart in the same way that it is misrepresented in the real world: by people who claim to be religious but are not in reality, or by people who use religion as a vehicle by which to fulfill their own selfish desires or as a veil to hide their self-seeking motivations. Consequently, religion—namely Christianity—has come to make those who hear its very mention shudder with disgust, and utter words of blatant ignorance and shameless and hurtful disrespect. None of this is to say that Chinua Achebe was inaccurate in his representations of the early British colonizers of the time period in which Things Fall Apart is set. In fact, in his Power and the Church: Ecclesiology in an Age of Transition, Martyn Percy asserts that the novel “hold[s] up a mirror to Western tradition and establishment” (163). The problem in question is actually with the readers of Things Fall Apart and similar novels. Readers take the actions of the “Christians” in the story and accept these actions as those of God-fearing Christians. Without once opening a Bible to see what Christianity truly dictates in the actions of its followers, readers assume an opinion about all of Christianity and its people and run with it. This opinion infiltrates university classrooms, and Christianity is forced to suffer the cutting and serious blows of a generation that has been led believe that Christianity is manipulative, unfairly judgmental, and even elitist.

The problem began a long time ago when someone figured out that posing as a Christian could mask self-seeking motivations, and allow for a sneaky manipulation of another human being. From a Christian perspective, this is an unfortunate consequence of the “Fall of Man” described in Genesis 3. After Adam and Eve ate of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, sin was introduced into the world. Ever since, people are born as sinful beings, and humankind has been found capable of doing unspeakable evil to other human beings. Some of this evil includes the cruelty involved in the British colonization of the tribes in Nigeria, as illustrated in Things Fall Apart. The deterioration of an old way of life and the end of Okonkwo’s life begin with the appearance of a single white man.

White men first appear in chapter fifteen of Things Fall Apart. First one white man appears, and is killed by the people of Abame. Later, more white men come and destroy the people of Abame. In chapter sixteen, Obierika informs Okonkwo (in his exile) that missionaries had come to Umuofia. This is the first time that the word “missionaries” (143) is used in the novel, and even though the Oxford English Dictionary definition of “missionary” is “A person sent on or engaged in a religious mission abroad,” the immediate assumption is that these “missionaries” are Christian—easily assumed based on a general common knowledge of British colonization. By this time in the book, readers are already partial to Okonkwo, despite his gruff nature, and his comrades, so when “Chielo, the priestess of Agbala, called the converts” to the missionaries’ church “the excrement of the clan, and the new faith” a “mad dog that had come to eat [the clan] up,” (143) it’s easy to take their side against the missionaries. It’s also very easy to make the clan victims of the missionaries. Simultaneously, this is also the chapter where the divide between converts and nonconverts appears—especially in the case of Nwoye and Okonkwo. Readers, especially university students, want to take sides, and since Okonkwo is clearly the protagonist of the story, then the missionaries and their “faith” must be the antagonist. This begs the question, was Achebe’s intention to victimize the clan against the plight of the missionaries?

In his Chinua Achebe’s Things Fall Apart: A Casebook, Isidore Okpewho makes one thing very clear:

Christianity is brought by the Europeans, as history itself appears to be. But Christianity is portrayed as a fulfillment of historic trends among the Igbo; Nwoye has sought something other and thinks he has found it in Christianity. He has had doubts about the religion of his fathers; the songs of the Christians fill his soul with sweetness and peace; they answer a need in his soul. Similar doubts are expressed by Obierika, who comes to destroy Okonkwo’s compound after his friend has been exiled for an offense that was purely accidental. Achebe is anxious to show that the Igbo make their own choices, are not victims of history, but makers of history. There is a continuity and development, not just repetition and rupture. The Igbo chose Christianity, as Nwoye did, or rejected it, as Okonkwo did, because they were aware of themselves making their own world in time (Okepwho 142, emphasis added).

In other words, the Igbo people are not passive victims of their circumstances, but active avatars in the situation that unfolds all the way to the end of the novel. It is up to each individual member of the clan to make a decision as to what they believe. This assertion agrees with the Bible, which says that it is up to each man to “work out [his] own salvation” (Philippians 2:12, NASB). Nwoye’s curiosity in the words of the missionaries is described at the end of the sixteenth chapter, when the narrator relates that “It was not the mad logic of the Trinity that captivated him. He did not understand it… The hymn about brothers who sat in darkness and in fear seemed to answer a vague and persistent question that haunted his young soul—the question of the twins crying in the bush and the question of Ikemefuna who was killed” (147). This wondering and curiosity is described in Ecclesiastes 3:11, which states that “… God has also planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds [a divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy]” (Amplified Bible). In other words, according to the Bible, no other gods would ever be sufficient for the Igbo people, and according to the Great Commission, given by Jesus to his followers in Matthew 28:19-20, it is the job of the missionaries to go and “make disciples of all the nations,” and teach them everything that Jesus said. God being the only God would be one of those teachings, and so the missionaries were only following the orders of Jesus Christ Himself. Faulting them for simply doing as their religion dictates is unfair and unjust; if they did not follow what the Bible said, after all, they would be hypocrites—the number one reason why people do not go to church in the first place!

 The original missionaries do not teach the Igbo people that the whole clan must believe one way or the other, that is an idea all their own. Unfortunately, while some can agree to disagree, all are not so mature. The new converts to the church are overzealous—as most new Christians are, even today—and “boasted openly that all the gods were dead and impotent and that they were prepared to defy them by burning all their shrines” (154). This boastfulness is in direct contrast with the Bible. In fact, the Apostle Paul says specifically “Brethren, do not be children in your thinking” (2 Corinthians 2: 20a, NASB), and Obadiah 1:12 says, frankly “do not gloat over your brother’s day” (NASB).  This boastfulness is also a symptom of pride, one of the seven sins that God Himself considers an “abomination,” along with “spreading strife among brothers” (Proverbs 6:16, 19, NASB), which is exactly what the gloating converts are doing. The intention of the missionaries was not to divide the people—when talking about religion in any context, there are going to be opposing opinions—the gloating of these three converts is entirely with the intention to cause a tiff with the nonconverts.

Once the church of the missionaries was well established, traces of a foreign government begin to surface (155). At this point in the novel, the government of the white people is not discussed in any detail—Achebe makes sure that the government takeover of the British sneaks up on the readers as much as it does the Igbo people.

When Okonkwo returns from exile, Umuofia is much changed. There is another mention of the government that the white men brought with them, and the narrator states that they “built a court where the District Commissioner judged cases in ignorance” (174)—having no idea as to how to Igbo society operated, British politicians storm in and implement their laws on a people who, first of all, do not know what their laws are, and secondly, are not united in their desire to alter the existing laws. The white men also set up prisons and begin trading with the Igbo people—essentially, the entire Igbo society is changed.

Obierika puts it best: “‘The white man is very clever. He came quietly and peaceably with his religion… Now he has won our brothers… He has put a knife on the things that held us together and we have fallen apart’” (176). The failure of the missionaries to make an effort to put a stop to the boasting and gloating of the over-zealous new converts is a mistake on their part, but another mistake has been made with far more grave consequences—this statement by Obierika, though profound, is incomplete. He makes no mention of the white man’s government; it is the government who is punishing people unfairly, and killing people who’ve broken their white man’s laws. The original missionaries are not entirely at fault, and it is certainly not Christianity itself at fault. Christianity dictates very simple laws, such as not killing or stealing or committing adultery; while these are similar to the laws of the white man, they way that the District Commissioner is communicating (or not communicating) and carrying out these laws is not biblical.

In chapter twenty-two, Mr. Brown, the original white missionary, is replaced by Reverend Smith, a much more obsessive man than Mr. Brown, and a poor representation of authentic Christianity. Jesus said the second greatest commandment was to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:39, NASB), and Reverend Brown is not a loving man to those who disagree with him. His zero-tolerance, zero-patience, zero-mercy attitude fans the flames of both the over-zealous converts and the infuriated leaders of the old Igbo community, Okonkwo included, which results in Okonkwo and his comrades burning down the church. The District Commissioner sides with Reverend Smith, and Okonkwo and his accomplices are tricked and captured, and punished according to the laws of the District Commissioner. The District Commissioner’s interference with something that, initially, should have been between the church and Okonkwo and his comrades, ends in despair for Okonkwo. In this moment, government and religion become one. Even if he is not a missionary or a church leader, the District Commissioner becomes lumped in with the other white men. What he does also represents Reverend Smith, and therefore Mr. Brown, and therefore the missionaries, and therefore the church, and therefore Christianity, and, ready as always to argue against religion, Achebe has—maybe intentionally, maybe not—caused readers to believe that Christianity is to blame for Okonkwo’s existing troubles and his troubles yet-to-come. Everything that the original missionaries set out to accomplish no longer matters in the eyes of the readers. All that matters is that Okonkwo kills himself, and the old Igbo nation no longer exists, and it’s all Jesus’ fault.

This is simply untrue. The Bible teaches unity among nations and people (Psalm 133:1, John 10:16; 17:11, 21-23, Romans12:4-5, 1 Corinthians 10:17; 12:5, 12-13, 26, 27; Galatians 3:26-28, Ephesians 1:10; 2:14-19, 21; 3:6; 4:4-5, 12-13, 16, 25, Colossians 3:11, 15 [Bible Bulletin Board]), not strife and ignorant leadership.

The implications of a blind acceptance of a misrepresentation of Christianity as it is depicted in literature are grave and severe. Religion, after all, is a serious subject—the subject of the fate of one’s eternal soul, and the standard by which one chooses to live one’s life; the paradigm of Christians, Christianity, and Jesus Himself. These are important and shape humans as individuals. Authors should pay more attention to how they choose to misrepresent specific people in literature, and readers should not accept everything they read blindly, but read carefully and closely, and always with a healthy dose of skepticism.

           

Works Cited

Okpewho, Isidore. Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart: a Casebook. Oxford, UK: Oxford UP, 2003. Print.

Percy, Martyn. Power and the Church: Ecclesiology in an Age of Transition. London: Cassell, 1998. Print.

BibleGateway.com: A Searchable Online Bible in over 100 Versions and 50 Languages. Web. 26 Apr. 2011. <http://www.biblegateway.com/>.

Bible Bulletin Board. Web. 26 Apr. 2011. <http://www.biblebb.com/files/tniv/UNITY.TXT>.

Achebe, Chinua. 1994. Things Fall Apart. Kindle Ed. New York: Random House, Inc.

On The Company You Keep

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" II Corinthians 6:14

Platonic, casual friendships with people who hold different core values are not impossible. In fact, I believe them to be healthy and necessary to keep your mind open, and reinforce your faith. But to be yoked together is something different entirely. To be yoked together with another person involves sharing a deep, intimate friendship with someone else. This kind of deep relationship is not possible with someone who does not share your core values -- your friendship will be defined by conflict.

Furthermore, you are your friends. Facebook has made it possible to know way more information about someone else's life than is entirely necessary. This means, if you hang out with someone, all of your Facebook friends know it, and can look that person up on Facebook as well, and can see who they are (or, at least, who that person wants everyone on Facebook to believe they are. Remember that everything that a person posts on Facebook is by choice. They want the world to know these things about themselves. It's really an excellent reflection on the kinds of choices those people make. What parts of yourself do you want to make most well-known to the world?). If you are your friends, you decide how you're going to be represented. If, as a Christian, you have intimate contact with someone else, and it's made known on Facebook, and that other person has picture of them slinging back body shots, or wearing barely-there (if there at all) clothing, or doing a keg-stand, or anything otherwise defined as impropriety or inappropriate, then it is a reflection of who you are. The choices made by individuals as to how they portray themselves on Facebook are not only reflections of their poor choices, but are statements about your poor choices.

I know what you're thinking -- "That's so judgmental. Doesn't the Bible say 'do not judge?'"

Indeed, it does! Let's take a closer look, shall we?

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother 'let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Matthew 7:1-6. 

Basically, don't judge someone unless you are prepared to take the same kind of judgment. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and all that jazz. It does not say "do not judge ever," it simply says to be prepared for others to judge you in the same way. No one lives a sinless life, we're all a "work in progress," but we're free to offer righteous judgment calls as long as we are"plank-free," so to speak, in that area of our own lives.

So, as a person who tries her hardest to make sure that the people most intimately involved in her life are the kind of people she wants to be like, or the kind of people with whom she is proud to associate herself, I am telling you, friends and companions, to do the same. Do not let yourself be misrepresented because of the bad decisions of others. Watch what's on Facebook, and on the Facebooks of those you share intimate companionship with. People will make judgment calls based on these things.

More on Boundaries

You are not irresponsible because you are single.

I think that, usually, the boundaries we most often talk about, concerning our male-female relationships, before we're married, all have to do with sex.

Don't have premarital, promiscuous sex. Don't do it. Don't do it!!


Okay. Noted.


There is, as I have observed, more to it than just sex. What about everything else? What about everything that comes before sex? Before physical affection of any kind? What about guarding your heart?


"Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that's where life starts." --Proverbs 4:23 (MSG)


You are responsible to your future spouse, even before you meet them--to keep yourself pure, sexually and emotionally.


I think that sometimes we don't understand when, maybe, we've crossed an emotional boundary. I know this is especially difficult for guys, so I'm not yelling at anyone. I'm sure I've done it myself without realizing it. But we need to realize it; we need to be more conscious and aware of our improprieties when it comes to our co-ed friendships. We need to protect our brothers and sisters.


Maybe I'm a prude.


Correction: I am a prude. But when did that become a bad word? I own it. I don't care. Better a prude than... well, you know.


I'm not sure how to rightly explain this. We can't be on the phone with our friends of the opposite sex until all hours of the night for extended periods of time. Proverbs 20:19 says "do not associate with a simple babbler." Nothing good can come from idle talk. You end up revealing too much of yourself, confiding too much, and in this way, letting the guard over your heart down.


We can't be alone with members of the opposite sex for extended periods of time. Whether you "trust them" or not, it's simply inappropriate.

1 Thessalonians 5:22 says "abstain from every appearance of evil"--Sometimes it doesn't matter if you don't deem the situation you're in tempting in any sort of way: it's a stumbling block for others, and you don't want to give anyone a reason to question your credibility or dignity.

Even when you're single, you should still act as if you're not. I feel like this makes the transition from singleness to a relationship easier, and gives that person you're dating no reason to question or doubt you, and you can walk in total confidence, knowing that you saved yourself--in every way--for that person. Also, nothing is weird with friends of the opposite sex when you start dating; you avoid the "well, we can't 'talk' now because you have a girlfriend" conversation. That's weird anyway.

If you have these kinds of inappropriate male-female friendships, you will never be able to maintain a meaningful relationship. Somehow, you're not totally emotionally committed to the relationship when you have these kinds of friendships. Those friendships are always going to beg for precedence over your relationship, and this is not a good situation in which to be. If you choose your relationship, your friends feel neglected. If you choose your friendship, your relationship will not last. If you find yourself in this situation, you've put yourself there. Better to foster appropriate friendships now, before someone really ends up hurting because of your disregard for your future relationship.

Put these boundaries into place, and give respect. Respect for yourself, respect for your friends, respect for the future spouses of your friends.

We're better people than that, my friends. Better! Take this time of singleness to learn responsibility, make it a sacred time for you and God (and your friends). Prepare yourself.

EDIT

You cannot convince me that God doesn't care when you're wrestling with a thought. This weekend, I went to a conference in North Carolina called Campus Harvest, and Jim Laffoon, one of my favorite speakers of EveryNation Ministries, spoke on Relationships & Intimacy. One of the topics covered was opposite-gender friendships. Here's what he had to say:

"When it comes to the opposite gender, even casual and professional relationships must be handled with care. Although the answer of some religions to opposite-gender relationships has been the absolute segregation of the sexes, I don't believe this is either biblical or even culturally possible. I say 'biblical' because nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to avoid contact with the opposite sex...

"...If segregation is not the biblical answer then, and it's obviously not, what principles should guide our relationships with the opposite gender?

"The critical question is 'Are platonic relationships [a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is free of sensual desire] possible?'

"I would say yes and no. In the case of casual and/or professional relationships, when they are wisely boundaried, it is both possible and probable. When is comes to seasonal or covenantal (deep, intimate friendships that last a lifetime), however, I believe it is typically impossible and almost never productive in the long term.

"I say 'typically impossible' because deep friendships, by their very nature, are all about transparency, vulnerability and intimate sharing. When these things are present, the biological realities alone will create sensual, if not sexual attraction in either one or both of the people involved...

"Furthermore, even if there is absolutely no sensuality involved in a friendship between a single man and woman, I do not believe it is productive in the long run. This is the case for a number of reasons, one of them being long-term viability. That is to say, once either party marries, the friendship will typically come to an abrupt and painful end."

I want to interject here: I believe the friendship probably ends as soon as either party starts dating. It must in order for the romantic relationship to be successful and meaningful. That party's responsibility is to their boyfriend/girlfriend. If opposite-gender friendships are not properly boundaried, the members of those friendships will never--I repeat, never--experience a successful romantic relationship. The boyfriend/girlfriend will not accept that type of friendship in their significant other's life. That "friend" is filling the emotional and possible sensual needs that are supposed to be filled be the person's boyfriend/girlfriend.

Laffoon continues, "If what I am saying is true, what boundaries are necessary in order to maintain relationships with the opposite sex that are authentic, whole and mature?

     1) The relationship itself must be built on or around a higher purpose than simply being together. For example, are you simply working on a project with a member of the opposite sex in order to be together, or has the project truly brought you together? Although this difference may seem subtle, these nuances are at the very essence of maintaining healthy relationships with the opposite sex.

     2) Although work or ministry may demand that you spend periods of time alone with a member of the opposite sex, groups are simply the safest place to develop and maintain casual and professional relationships with members of the opposite sex.

     3) The Scripture which commands us to treat younger men and women as our brothers and sisters has been abused and misused for years.

'Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity' --1 Timothy 5:1-2

     We seem to forget the phrase 'with absolute purity.' To touch a member of the opposite gender in any way that would create impurity in your mind or theirs is simply unwise and unhealthy. Furthermore, if anything in your words or behavior create an expectation of romantic interest or commitment, you're committing relational fraud. Never forget that promiscuity is not just physical; it can be emotional and/or verbal.

    4) Every human relationship has God-given boundaries in the area of communication... certain boundaries must be honored in opposite-gender relationships. This is more than biological reality. It is simply defrauding to share your deepest pains, most-treasured lessons and clearest dreams with another human who will never have the privilege of walking them out with you.

"Unfortunately, even within the Church, these boundaries are routinely violated. I have repeatedly observed patterns within opposite-gender relationships that are best described as a Christianized version of friends-with-benefits. Although they may not be crossing sexual lines, they are clearly meeting each other's emotional and sensual needs. Whether it's careless romantic conversations, the occasional casual massage, or the dinner that's never a date, the implications of this fraudulent behavior will affect every area of your life."

On Boundaries

God has a way of making everything in my life tie together; I am simply astounded.

Preface: In my LifeGroup, we are reading a book all about boundaries, learning when to say "yes" and how to say "no." I'll admit, at first, I wasn't sure I was going to get much out of it, but it has opened my eyes to so many things about myself and the people around me!

OK, without giving too much intimate details, it has come to my attention that, in my life, I have let people take advantage of me and take me for granted. It has left me empty, exhausted, and feeling unappreciated. I didn't realize that the root of this problem is that I had no boundaries! Before I realized that that was the issue, I essentially cut the people out of my life who were taking me for granted (this was necessary--these people were also bad influences on me and my walk with God). I also quit my job in the restaurant industry--talk about being a doormat and an emotional punching bag for a job! This made a difference, but the final change came when I realized I was the one who had no boundaries. I say "yes" to everything! I feel like a bad friend/girlfriend/daughter/sister if I don't help out when I am able.

Then we talked about Galatians 6:2 in my LifeGroup. Galatians 6:2 is the one that says "Carry each others' burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." But there is a difference between burdens and responsibilities. Your responsibilities are your own, and no one else's. We should share burdens that are too much to bare for one person, but it is not your job to bare another's responsibilities. This includes work responsibilities, financial responsibilities, personal health responsibilities... you get the picture. Sometimes the lines get fuzzy and gray, and sometimes when responsibilities first arise, they can be daunting, and aid may be necessary. But when you constantly rely on those around you to bare with you your responsibilities, you are taking advantage of those trying to help you. This is very important. Those around you will grow weary of it. And you are not a very good friend for, essentially, manipulating them into baring responsibilities that are yours and yours alone. We can all agree with you in prayer, but it is not everyone else's job to take care of your responsibilities. They have responsibilities of their own and lives of their own in which they need to be present, and they can't do that when they spend all their time taking care of your responsibilities.

Those on the other side of this scenario, like myself, need a swift kick in the tush also. You have to know when someone else's responsibilities are not yours. This is hard--it's hard to watch those you love struggle with something, and it's perfectly okay to offer advice and prayers and guidance and support, but you have your own responsibilities. Your responsibilities do not end with personal and work responsibilities; you have responsibilities to those around you: your friends, family, girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, children... When you neglect those people to handle someone else's responsibilities, it hurts. I have been in the neglected position myself. It's as if you're not anywhere on the priority list; responsibilities that do not belong to the person neglecting you are taking precedence over you, and it is not a good feeling. Bare that in mind next time a friend asks for a "favor" when you made plans with your boyfriend/sister/mother/brother/girlfriend/spouse/whoever. It does not honor God when you neglect your responsibilities to handle someone else's. And those people you're "helping" are not very good friends for making their responsibilities yours.

It's about boundaries. Knowing when to say "yes" and how to say "no" ... and why.

More later on my latest epiphanies.