On The Push

He trains my hands for war, 
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

Psalm 18:34

I am in my fifteenth week of pregnancy. I have had a significant struggle with "morning" sickness--a stupid name for it, as it comes and goes as it pleases throughout the day. It is violent, it is unpredictable, it is inconsistent, and it is, at times, demoralizing. 

I am on the Sunday Morning Worship Team at my church. That means, most Sundays, I wake up very early, I put my heels on, they stick a microphone in my hand, and I get up there and lead with a team of some of my favorite people, in a church full of some of the most important people in my life. I love it! 

Leading worship is something I know I have been called to do. I feel the most myself when I'm doing it, and I know that I am actively responding to part of God's call on my life. It's the greatest.

Yesterday morning, however, was a struggle.

I felt nauseous immediately upon waking. I had to get ready pretty quickly, and my husband and I rushed into the car at 7:30am. I ate some fruit gummies on the way to the church, as it was all I wanted. We began rehearsal promptly at 8:00am. I took a few sips of water and we began. We had a particularly long set yesterday, which made rehearsal particularly strenuous. Towards the end, I realized how faint I was feeling, so I sat down through the last song.

After rehearsal, I ate a few grapes and tried to eat a muffin. Each week, someone leads the team in a morning devotional. But I knew as soon as it began that I was not going to be able to make it through the devotional. And then it happened.

You know.

By the time I came back, the devotional was wrapping up, and it was time to say a prayer and head to the stage. Oh, I didn't want to. I didn't know if I could. I panicked at the thought of having to leave the stage mid-set should another terrible incident occur. 

Something reminded me of Psalm 18:34. At the beginning of the school year, my seventh grade class read Elizabeth George Speare's The Bronze Bow, a biblical fiction novel based on the life of a young boy living in Jerusalem at the time of the Roman takeover. This verse appears many times throughout the novel. The students and I had several discussions about the meaning of the verse. Part of the class tended to take the verse quite literally, while the other thought the meaning of the verse had more to do with spiritual battles rather than physical ones.

In yesterday morning's case, the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual battles all seemed to collide at once.

God trains us for war--whatever the war may be in our own lives. And the wars are different for everyone. Some face real physical battles and struggles. Some have to deal with mental ones. We all have to deal with spiritual ones. But God has designed our lives in a way that trains us--teaches us through instruction and practice over different seasons in our lives. Trains us to the point that our arms can bend a bow of bronze! 

We can bend bronze! With our bare hands! That's crazy strength. So, if you're the literal type and understand this verse to be talking about physical strength, there is no room to doubt the level of preparedness that we should obtain if we listen to God's instruction. The same is true for other types of wars. 

Let me repeat that:

There is no room to doubt the level of preparedness that we should obtain if we listen to God's instruction. 

A lot of people will tell you, when you feel overwhelmed, "God won't give you more than you can handle." Which is close to the truth; 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear. So it stands to reason that we will not be tempted to distrust God beyond what we can bear.

But I believe that our capacity for those things changes over time. It changes because we are to learn something from the seasons that overwhelm us. We should be expanding our capacity to trust in each situation. Personally, I needed to trust that God was going to give me the strength--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual--to make it through this Sunday morning. And not just to survive the worship sets for the morning, but to thrive and glorify--as in, reveal and represent Christ--through all of it.

Plus, I knew that nothing would upset the Enemy of my Soul more than to get up on that stage and sing praises to Jesus anyway. 

So, I did. I refreshed my makeup, ate a few pieces of cheese and some grapes, and made it through both services. And, as amazing as it always feels to be a part of the team to lead the congregation in worship, it felt so much better on this day to know that I was intentionally stomping on the Enemy's attempt to destroy me. And to know that I was not doing it by my own strength--as I don't know how much more of my own strength I could have possibly possessed--but by God's. That God loved me so much that he would not let me be defeated by this.

So, I encourage you this week to keep an eye out for the Enemy's attempts to hurt you, especially his attempts to hurt your call, and crush them. Know that you are prepared for this moment. You have been well-trained by the Conqueror of Death. You can do this. And in doing this, you will glorify Christ.

On Different Lives

If you've hung around me long enough, you've heard me say the words "your life should look different." I wanted to write a bit about where that verbiage comes from, what it means, and why I believe it.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." --Romans 12:2

When Paul writes, "do not be conformed to this world," what he means is that we should not act in a way that aligns with the standards of the world. Our standards, as Christians, should be different. Paul continues, "be transformed by the renewing of your mind," meaning we should be dramatically changed by the complete refreshing of our thoughts and hearts. The verse goes on, "by testing you may discern what is the will of God," meaning that by taking measures to check the reliability of God's word, by trying it out ourselves in our own lives, we may recognize the will of God for ourselves, which is "good and acceptable and perfect."

There are a lot of decisions I have made in the past and continue to make, adhering to the principles outlined in this verse. It is because Jesus is Lord of my life and because he changed me completely, that I, as a single woman, never spent time with members of the opposite sex alone, never texted or called them for extended personal conversations, didn't go on dinners that weren't dates, didn't accept a relationship that was anything less than consecrated and pure. It is why, as a dating woman, I didn't have sex or anything like it. When my husband and I were dating, we barely even spent any time alone, just the two of us. It is why, at my wedding, my husband and I carefully selected each song that would be played at our reception--so that those in attendance who did not know Jesus, but knew that we were Christians, would not misunderstand us or confuse our lifestyle with their own. It is why I don't drink in public: It's in a contract I've signed to be in leadership in my church, so out of respect for authority, I won't. But more importantly, I know what a stronghold it is for so many of the people in my life, so I refrain. Additionally, I know how it would look if someone were to see me with a drink in my hand in public; I would look no different from any other person drinking at the bar--and that's the point. Because I'm consecrated and called, I do not live in or believe in "gray areas." I live my life in black-and-white, which I believe to be quite biblical. I don't gossip about people, or judge them, or exclude them, or do anything that could possibly compromise the reputation of myself or my church or, most importantly, my God. I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit on these issues, and nothing will sway me otherwise. 

None of these things are restrictions for me. In fact, I find in retrospect that the time I spent not following Jesus felt like it came at a much greater personal sacrifice than living for him. Being consecrated and holy and different--that's my calling. It doesn't feel like a personal sacrifice because it involves me being exactly the person I am supposed to be, the person I was designed to be. In the same way that it would not be right to ask a fish to fly, because that is not its purpose, it would not be right of me to be anything less than what God has called me to be.

Ask yourself: Does your life look different from the lives of the people around you, or does it look exactly the same? Do people have to get to know you to know that you're a Christian, or is it evident in the way you live your life? Do you live an uncompromising black-and-white lifestyle, or are you constantly finding yourself in gray, substandard areas?

If we, as Christians, are supposed to affect the lost around us, how are we to do so if they can't even tell us apart from themselves?

On My Newest Resolution

Who says you can only make resolutions on New Year's? That's just an excuse to put off setting goals for yourself.

So, here's mine:

Many of you may not know this about me, but it has been a long-term dream of mine to write a book. I have floated between a few topics that I think are all rooted in the same thing. But developing these into a cohesive idea that could take up the space of an entire book is overwhelming. So, I haven't done it. I have been playing with these ideas like putty in my hands for years and have not put pen to paper (or rather, fingertips to to computer keys).

But, enough is enough!

I am going to start playing with these ideas on my blog. And, what's more, I am resolving, right here and now, to start by committing to one blog post a week.

You have to crawl before you can walk (that's not actually true, but we'll get to that later).

Now, I don't expect to write exclusively about the topics that I want my book to be about. Because, let's be honest, there's a lot going on in my life--newlywed, expectant mom, soon-to-be homeowner, first year teacher, I could go on--and I want to explore all of it! And my favorite way to explore is to write.

The word "essay," after all, comes from the latin exagium, which means "to examine or test." And, if there's anything in life I'm passionate about, it's essaying. Examining. Testing. Trying. Metacognition. That's why I called my blog "On Thinking." Because any writing to should be somewhat metacognitive--we should always be examining even our own thoughts on things.

And so, I'm making a commitment to myself, to anyone who reads this blog, and to those who have told me to figure out what it is a like to do and DO IT. One blog per week. Hold me accountable, friends! I'm counting on you! 

On The Ring

Yesterday morning, while I was getting ready for church, I noticed that my engagement ring needed some cleaning. So, while I blow-dried my hair, I let it soak in some hot water with baking soda and dish detergent. On my way to church, my ring caught the sunlight, and I smiled as I looked at it, in all its sparkle, and I thought about what it means to me.

Before my first date with my husband, before I was even considering going on a first date with my husband, before my husband and I were really even friends (we were acquaintances), I went to Ireland for a missions trip.

While in Ireland, I was looking for a souvenir for myself, and another girl on the trip pointed me in the direction of claddagh rings. Claddagh rings typically look like this:

They are used as Irish engagement rings and represent love (the heart), loyalty (the crown), and friendship (the hands). A claddagh ring is traditionally worn on the right hand's ring finger, and when a person is single, the heart of the ring faces outward toward the world, letting all eligible men and women know that the person is available. When a man or woman is in a relationship, the ring is turned around so that the heart face inward towards the wrist. And when a person has found the one that they want to spend the rest of their lives with, the ring is worn on the left hand's ring finger (just like an engagement ring).

I was never much for purity rings (there is nothing wrong with them, they just weren't for me). But something about this appealed to me; it was so incredibly romantic! So, I decided I would look for one for myself as well.

But I came across something even better. This:

That is a claddagh ring with the trinity on either side of the heart rather than the hands. I sat and pondered this ring, spinning it between my fingers over and over again and contemplating it. It meant something so much more to me. I reflected on something a pastor had told me when I was sixteen-years-old: "You and your future husband should collide in God's very presence." It was like, if the heart represented my romantic life (which had been, for lack of a better word, bumpy up until this point in my life), it needed to be taken out of my own hands and put in the middle of something else. There the heart was, safely protected under loyalty, and nestled in the presence of God, the inventor of romance itself.

I had to have it. And there it rested on my finger until the day it was replaced with my engagement ring (though there is a funny story about the time I lost it and had to replace it).

I told the ring's story absolutely everywhere I went. It was a daily physical reminder of how much God loves me, how much he was in love with me, and that he was taking care of me. For perhaps the first time in my life, I was completely satisfied in God with this part of my life. I finally understood the importance of surrendering these desires over to him. If I couldn't sustain my romantic relationship with God, how could I ever sustain it with another person? And by that I mean, if I couldn't remember how much God loved me, and held me together, and guided me, and provided for me, how could I see those things in a person? What an amazing time in my life. I had never felt so enveloped in love in my whole life.

The claddagh made for some pretty adorable moments in my relationship with my husband. I'll never forget the day he asked me to be his girlfriend (our second date, on the side of Stone Mountain, on one of the hottest days I can remember). Later that evening, while sitting on the same side of a booth in a place in Atlanta, my right hand in his, he asked, "don't we need to turn this around?" So he slipped it off my finger, turned it, and replaced it. What a stud. I am smiling like a giddy teenager even as I type this.

So, when it came time to find my engagement ring, my husband had mine made in Dublin, Ireland.

He had the trinity knots put on the band. When I first laid eyes on it, I couldn't believe how completely perfect it was!

So, the lesson here is simple: single or not, God is your first love. He is always going to be the Romancer of your soul. We have to be completely satisfied in him before we can be satisfied with another. I know that we say all the time we want a Christ-centered relationship, but I wanted a Christ-engulfed relationship. I wanted to, as the pastor told me, collide in the very presence of God.

On Finding a Man (This Post Is Not Just For Women!)

It's the talk of the town: how does a single Christian woman find her husband?

Well, I am going to tell you how I found mine in hopes that, like me, you learn a lot from the experiences of others.

Here's the thing: I was single once. I get it. I understand you. You think that I cannot possibly relate to what you're going through. But you're wrong. Because I have been there.

A lot of you know my story; you know that I spent my singleness in preparation for my husband-to-be. But I want to share with you exactly what I mean by that. What I mean by that is not that I spent a lot of time learning the yummiest recipes, buying the cutest outfits, and memorizing Proverbs 31.

What I mean by that is, in all the times I had been single, I had always spent that time searching for my husband. But, in the bout of singleness I experienced before meeting Scooter, I tried something different. I tried not searching for him. I tried praying for him. I tried waiting instead of hunting.

This is difficult for those of us who color ourselves "impatient." There is something you need to ask yourself if you've ever described yourself in this way, especially in regards to your romantic life: What does your impatience over your future marriage say about your relationship with God? If, as a child, I ask my mother repeatedly, "when will dinner be ready? Is it ready yet? What are we eating? When are we eating?" what does that communicate? Is that the communication of someone who trusts that food will, in fact, be presented to them in the proper time? Or is that the communication of someone who fears that if they do not incessantly remind the preparer of the food of their hunger, that the preparer will forget about it?

I know what the single culture is like: It's competitive, cutthroat, ruthless, and a downright game. But I did not want to play the game. It makes you hungry. And that hunger can make you a monster. If you've ever skipped lunch or missed your morning coffee, you know exactly what I am talking about. That kind of hunger can control you and turn you into someone you don't even recognize.

Even in the church world, we can bat our eyes with the best of them. We find biblical loopholes that allow us to act like, for lack of a better term, complete idiots around the opposite sex. Shameless flirting within the church walls is still shameless flirting. I hated this about the single culture because it is so divisive. I valued my same gender friendships and guarded them carefully, but the incessant flirting and competition can make the environment toxic and hostile very quickly. Church, we need to intentionally watch out for this. Don't be that girl who messes with the boundary lines constantly. Please recognize your actions for what they are: acts of insecurity.

Flaunting your stuff is not a show of confidence; you are showing off how very little you think of yourself. And not just of yourself, but of your future husband.

Back to my story: I prayed for my husband. But I prayed for myself, too. A LOT. I asked myself, "What is God trying to do with me in this season?" I realized that I needed to take advantage of the time that I had a single person to figure out my own relationship with God, because maybe he was holding me back from that next season of my life for a reason. So, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. I purposefully counted myself out of the single game, and owned up to being holy and separate and unlike the culture around me. And then, a question arose:

Emily, think about the person that you are searching for. Now, think about the kind of person that that person is searching for.

Are you the person that the person that you're looking for is looking for?

I needed to think about this some more. And, here's where I landed:

I studied some ancient beliefs about spouses. My favorite was the Hebrew belief that marriages were made in Heaven. Two souls are separated on earth and destined to find each other: soul mates. How incredibly romantic! That idea reminded me of a song from one of my favorite childhood movies:

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
And I know it's true, that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
The way you did once
Upon a dream

Sleeping Beauty

And, the most romantic idea occurred to me: I already knew my future husband. I started to recognize and identify my soul as something that was not of this world, something that had connections with the eternal and the Heavenly. My soul was destined to unite with another soul, who was also trapped in human form somewhere in the world. Even though I wouldn't recognize his earthly form, when we collided on earth, each pursuing our own individual godly purposes, our souls would recognize each other.

Stay with me! I promise it is not my intent to over-spiritualize this. But, the thing is, that's what we are. We are skin and bone, but what matters are our souls and our spirits. Right?

God gave us these magnificent souls, wrapped them in human form, and set our lives in motion. The Creator of all things, who fashioned and formed me very specifically and particularly, who knows absolutely everything about me, had already promised me a husband and soul mate. I realized that before when I was husband hunting, I was not trusting that God was going to provide something that he had already promised me. My husband was already mine. I did not need to win him or claim him; he was already promised to me, and I to him. I was truly my husband's betrothed. And I acted like it--like a woman who was spoken for.

Since the moment that Scooter asked me on our very first date, I have known that I am the only one in his life. I have known that I am the apple of his eye and the object of his affections. My confidence in these things never faltered. Do you think for one second that a relationship that spurs from the winning of a competition of short skirts and flirty laughs can boast the same confidence? Doubtful.

But, the key to this paradigm was that in order to obtain this sort of relationship, I had to be recognizable to my future husband. Because he would not recognize me as his based on my outward appearance, but by my heart, I had some close examination to do. I believed that our souls were destined for each other by God. So, it seemed logical to me that this meant that I should be as close to God's heart as possible. What I realized very quickly was that I was nowhere near as close to God's heart as I could be.

What I am trying to say is that finding your future husband is not about growing into the best Single Woman. It's about growing into the best Christian that you can be. It's about getting as close to God's heart as you can. Finding my future husband was not going to be like a blind date; my descriptors were not going to be, "I'll be the one in the little black dress with a Bible in my hand." I already knew who the man that I was looking for would be looking for: "I'll be the one making disciples, serving my church, seeking out God's will for my life, studying His word, singing His songs, etc."

That's the kind of woman that man you're looking for is looking for. Not the one who laughs the most flirtatiously. Not the one who flips her hair just right. Not the one incessantly asking God to fill her hunger for a husband. But the one who incessantly asks God to fill her hunger for Himself, and His word, and His purpose.

So, that is exactly what I did. I pursued and pursued and pursued God. And He did not let me down. He romanced me in ways that I never knew I could be. He set a mighty high bar for Scooter. I was so incredibly romanced by my Creator, that I had actually stopped looking around for my husband. In this way, God showed me exactly how to recognize my soul mate. And, you know what? I did. This was not a love-at-first-sight kind of thing. But, it was pretty fast. When I got to know Scooter's heart, I knew. I recognized him. I cannot in earthly words describe to you what sort of feelings came over me when I recognized him.

Every girl deserves this feeling. But first, you've got some work to do. You are first and foremost a Christian, so act like it. Do not let your hunger for a husband make you unrecognizable to your own soul mate. Let the God who created you romance you to the ends of the earth. Let God show you how to recognize your future husband. Trust God to fill your appetite with something so much better than you could have dreamed of. There is no shame or disappointment in this.

On Conservative and Charismatic Worship

As most of you know, I am one of the leaders for Southpoint Community Church's college group, Resolution. 

One of the reasons I love Resolution (and Southpoint) is because I feel comfortable to worship the way that I want. I feel at home in the midst of a worship session, and that's what's important to me in a worship session, and Resolution makes that happen.

(Thanks, Res!)

I have been doing a lot of thinking about worship lately, and about how many organizations have very conservative worships settings (or, in some cases, no worship [as in with music] at all). 

Let me begin by saying that I see nothing wrong with conservative worship styles; some people are just more conservative or shy than others. I do mind being made to feel badly about the way that I and my friends choose to praise Jesus. I hear a lot (and, I mean, a lot) of "Oh, yeah those crazy people who sing and lift their hands and jump up and down, they are so weird." Why? Why am I weird?

I would implore you to ask these questions: 

How do you act at a concert?

What do you do at a dance party or formal?

How do you react when you reunite with a friend that you haven't seen in a long time?

Do you sing along to the radio in the car (if you're anything like my sister and me, this singing is usually accompanied by loudness and hand gestures.)?

If your answers to any of these questions were "singing loudly", "dancing", "shouting", "jumping" or any other gesture or action of enthusiasm, volume or emotion, then why are we the weird ones for doing these things for the only one worthy of all of our praise?

If you are willing to make that much of a fool out of yourself for a performing artist who has no idea who you are, or to songs about nothing, then why won't you give at least that much to the God who died for you?

David, one of the greatest Kings of Israel, man after God's own heart, said "I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this" (2 Samuel 6:21b-22a). 

I don't know about you, but I am definitely striving to be more like David. I mean, man after God's own heart (Acts 13:22)? I'd love to be known as something of the like. 

On Soulmates

Do you believe in soulmates?

The topic seems to be trending among my peers, stemming from an ongoing conversation about predestination vs. free will. I find it interesting how many people have conflicting views concerning these topics--belief in predestination, but not soulmates, or belief in free will with soulmates. Maybe we're confused about what "soulmates" actually are. Maybe we're confused about what all of these words mean.

A soulmate, by definition, is "one with whom one shares strong affinity [a natural liking for or attraction to a person, thing, idea, etc.]"[dictionary.com].

Furthermore, I will say that I believe in free will in a predestined universe. "Destiny" is "something that is to happen... to a particular person." I think the problem a lot of people have with the word "predestination" is the implication that God is forcing us to do something that, perhaps, we have no desire to do; God has decided our fates for us. I believe that we have the ability to make choices for ourselves, but I also believe that God knows all of our steps before we take them. This doesn't make our decisions any less ours, God simply knows the decisions we're going to make beforehand.

Therefore, given that we choose a life according to God's standards and biblical law, where does the concept of soulmates come into the equation?

It's fair to say that the idea of soulmates has been overly-mystified over the centuries, but it's important to remember that the concept existed long before Jesus was born. Greek philosophers and writers were infatuated with the concept of "twin souls," separated upon entering physical bodies, and in a life-long search for one another on earth.

"Bashert" is the Yiddish word for "destiny," and is used in the context of a predetermined spouse in Jewish culture; "basherte" is used to denote the female and "basherter" the male in a predestined marriage. One of the famous Jewish proverbs dictates that "marriages are made in heaven."

Actually, it doesn't sound so mystical anymore. It sounds biblical to me; it sounds superbly and exquisitely romantic.

There are billions of people on the planet, and surely many with whom one could find compatibility enough for marriage, but what of real, true soulmates? What about "twin souls"? Is this an overly-romanticized concept that makes for great movies and books, but doesn't carry any weight in real life? Or is this something real that too many people deny themselves in a world filled with liars, cheaters, and heart-breakers?

My past dating relationships were more than disappointing. They left me bitter, jaded, hurt, closed-off, walled-in; after a while, I was certain that if I watched one more relationship fail, I would simply move to Europe and forget about everyone else.

And then I dated again. And it failed again. And something amazing happened: I was alright.

Of course, I was hurt, and lonely, and a little angry. The truth of the matter is that, ultimately, I was content in then singleness that was obviously meant to be at the time. I began doing a lot of self-searching, and I realized that, despite my contentedness, my ideas about my future husband were rapidly changing, and I almost didn't realize it.

Some of the people around me--very well-meaning people, mind you--in an attempt, I'm sure, to be encouraging and motivating, were telling me, in more eloquent words that I can force myself to conjure, that I needed to lower my expectations for my future husband; that the man I had in mind simply did not exist.

I tried to find a balance between thinking realistically and not forgetting that God wants to give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4), but these seemed like conflicting ideas. God is not a God of delusion and disappointment, after all. I began to make it my prayer that my desires for my own life and God's desires would align, that whoever I was going to end up with would be exactly who God designed for me.

"Designed." The word came up again and again. This is what led to the "soulmate" conversation. This is when I began researching where the idea came from, and this is what I decided I believe:

I think, first of all, that God is the ultimate Romancer of our souls. He is love, and every page of the Bible is testament to this fact. His relationship with His people is the greatest love story ever told, and to expect anything less than a man whose desire is to love his wife the way that God loves us is to do a disservice to oneself and to God's handiwork (i.e., relationships in general; He is, after all, the Inventor of love and relationships.).

I think my idea of what a soulmate is is akin to the Greek idea of "twin souls." In my mind, a relationship is like a living organism designed by God Himself and composed of two major parts; two souls. I think that relationships are only successful when you enter into them with that only other person who can perfectly and seamlessly compose the other half of the relationship, and when you let God, the Designer of that relationship, do what He will with it.

So, don't fret, darlings! I'm tired of girls being deceived into thinking that just because there are a few jerks in the universe they need to lower their expectations for their romantic lives. Don't do it! God didn't offer His Son to save our souls so that we could live disappointing, sub-par lives.