On The Push

He trains my hands for war, 
so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

Psalm 18:34

I am in my fifteenth week of pregnancy. I have had a significant struggle with "morning" sickness--a stupid name for it, as it comes and goes as it pleases throughout the day. It is violent, it is unpredictable, it is inconsistent, and it is, at times, demoralizing. 

I am on the Sunday Morning Worship Team at my church. That means, most Sundays, I wake up very early, I put my heels on, they stick a microphone in my hand, and I get up there and lead with a team of some of my favorite people, in a church full of some of the most important people in my life. I love it! 

Leading worship is something I know I have been called to do. I feel the most myself when I'm doing it, and I know that I am actively responding to part of God's call on my life. It's the greatest.

Yesterday morning, however, was a struggle.

I felt nauseous immediately upon waking. I had to get ready pretty quickly, and my husband and I rushed into the car at 7:30am. I ate some fruit gummies on the way to the church, as it was all I wanted. We began rehearsal promptly at 8:00am. I took a few sips of water and we began. We had a particularly long set yesterday, which made rehearsal particularly strenuous. Towards the end, I realized how faint I was feeling, so I sat down through the last song.

After rehearsal, I ate a few grapes and tried to eat a muffin. Each week, someone leads the team in a morning devotional. But I knew as soon as it began that I was not going to be able to make it through the devotional. And then it happened.

You know.

By the time I came back, the devotional was wrapping up, and it was time to say a prayer and head to the stage. Oh, I didn't want to. I didn't know if I could. I panicked at the thought of having to leave the stage mid-set should another terrible incident occur. 

Something reminded me of Psalm 18:34. At the beginning of the school year, my seventh grade class read Elizabeth George Speare's The Bronze Bow, a biblical fiction novel based on the life of a young boy living in Jerusalem at the time of the Roman takeover. This verse appears many times throughout the novel. The students and I had several discussions about the meaning of the verse. Part of the class tended to take the verse quite literally, while the other thought the meaning of the verse had more to do with spiritual battles rather than physical ones.

In yesterday morning's case, the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual battles all seemed to collide at once.

God trains us for war--whatever the war may be in our own lives. And the wars are different for everyone. Some face real physical battles and struggles. Some have to deal with mental ones. We all have to deal with spiritual ones. But God has designed our lives in a way that trains us--teaches us through instruction and practice over different seasons in our lives. Trains us to the point that our arms can bend a bow of bronze! 

We can bend bronze! With our bare hands! That's crazy strength. So, if you're the literal type and understand this verse to be talking about physical strength, there is no room to doubt the level of preparedness that we should obtain if we listen to God's instruction. The same is true for other types of wars. 

Let me repeat that:

There is no room to doubt the level of preparedness that we should obtain if we listen to God's instruction. 

A lot of people will tell you, when you feel overwhelmed, "God won't give you more than you can handle." Which is close to the truth; 1 Corinthians 10:13 says that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear. So it stands to reason that we will not be tempted to distrust God beyond what we can bear.

But I believe that our capacity for those things changes over time. It changes because we are to learn something from the seasons that overwhelm us. We should be expanding our capacity to trust in each situation. Personally, I needed to trust that God was going to give me the strength--emotional, physical, mental, spiritual--to make it through this Sunday morning. And not just to survive the worship sets for the morning, but to thrive and glorify--as in, reveal and represent Christ--through all of it.

Plus, I knew that nothing would upset the Enemy of my Soul more than to get up on that stage and sing praises to Jesus anyway. 

So, I did. I refreshed my makeup, ate a few pieces of cheese and some grapes, and made it through both services. And, as amazing as it always feels to be a part of the team to lead the congregation in worship, it felt so much better on this day to know that I was intentionally stomping on the Enemy's attempt to destroy me. And to know that I was not doing it by my own strength--as I don't know how much more of my own strength I could have possibly possessed--but by God's. That God loved me so much that he would not let me be defeated by this.

So, I encourage you this week to keep an eye out for the Enemy's attempts to hurt you, especially his attempts to hurt your call, and crush them. Know that you are prepared for this moment. You have been well-trained by the Conqueror of Death. You can do this. And in doing this, you will glorify Christ.

On Different Lives

If you've hung around me long enough, you've heard me say the words "your life should look different." I wanted to write a bit about where that verbiage comes from, what it means, and why I believe it.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." --Romans 12:2

When Paul writes, "do not be conformed to this world," what he means is that we should not act in a way that aligns with the standards of the world. Our standards, as Christians, should be different. Paul continues, "be transformed by the renewing of your mind," meaning we should be dramatically changed by the complete refreshing of our thoughts and hearts. The verse goes on, "by testing you may discern what is the will of God," meaning that by taking measures to check the reliability of God's word, by trying it out ourselves in our own lives, we may recognize the will of God for ourselves, which is "good and acceptable and perfect."

There are a lot of decisions I have made in the past and continue to make, adhering to the principles outlined in this verse. It is because Jesus is Lord of my life and because he changed me completely, that I, as a single woman, never spent time with members of the opposite sex alone, never texted or called them for extended personal conversations, didn't go on dinners that weren't dates, didn't accept a relationship that was anything less than consecrated and pure. It is why, as a dating woman, I didn't have sex or anything like it. When my husband and I were dating, we barely even spent any time alone, just the two of us. It is why, at my wedding, my husband and I carefully selected each song that would be played at our reception--so that those in attendance who did not know Jesus, but knew that we were Christians, would not misunderstand us or confuse our lifestyle with their own. It is why I don't drink in public: It's in a contract I've signed to be in leadership in my church, so out of respect for authority, I won't. But more importantly, I know what a stronghold it is for so many of the people in my life, so I refrain. Additionally, I know how it would look if someone were to see me with a drink in my hand in public; I would look no different from any other person drinking at the bar--and that's the point. Because I'm consecrated and called, I do not live in or believe in "gray areas." I live my life in black-and-white, which I believe to be quite biblical. I don't gossip about people, or judge them, or exclude them, or do anything that could possibly compromise the reputation of myself or my church or, most importantly, my God. I have been convicted by the Holy Spirit on these issues, and nothing will sway me otherwise. 

None of these things are restrictions for me. In fact, I find in retrospect that the time I spent not following Jesus felt like it came at a much greater personal sacrifice than living for him. Being consecrated and holy and different--that's my calling. It doesn't feel like a personal sacrifice because it involves me being exactly the person I am supposed to be, the person I was designed to be. In the same way that it would not be right to ask a fish to fly, because that is not its purpose, it would not be right of me to be anything less than what God has called me to be.

Ask yourself: Does your life look different from the lives of the people around you, or does it look exactly the same? Do people have to get to know you to know that you're a Christian, or is it evident in the way you live your life? Do you live an uncompromising black-and-white lifestyle, or are you constantly finding yourself in gray, substandard areas?

If we, as Christians, are supposed to affect the lost around us, how are we to do so if they can't even tell us apart from themselves?

On My Newest Resolution

Who says you can only make resolutions on New Year's? That's just an excuse to put off setting goals for yourself.

So, here's mine:

Many of you may not know this about me, but it has been a long-term dream of mine to write a book. I have floated between a few topics that I think are all rooted in the same thing. But developing these into a cohesive idea that could take up the space of an entire book is overwhelming. So, I haven't done it. I have been playing with these ideas like putty in my hands for years and have not put pen to paper (or rather, fingertips to to computer keys).

But, enough is enough!

I am going to start playing with these ideas on my blog. And, what's more, I am resolving, right here and now, to start by committing to one blog post a week.

You have to crawl before you can walk (that's not actually true, but we'll get to that later).

Now, I don't expect to write exclusively about the topics that I want my book to be about. Because, let's be honest, there's a lot going on in my life--newlywed, expectant mom, soon-to-be homeowner, first year teacher, I could go on--and I want to explore all of it! And my favorite way to explore is to write.

The word "essay," after all, comes from the latin exagium, which means "to examine or test." And, if there's anything in life I'm passionate about, it's essaying. Examining. Testing. Trying. Metacognition. That's why I called my blog "On Thinking." Because any writing to should be somewhat metacognitive--we should always be examining even our own thoughts on things.

And so, I'm making a commitment to myself, to anyone who reads this blog, and to those who have told me to figure out what it is a like to do and DO IT. One blog per week. Hold me accountable, friends! I'm counting on you!